Christmas Humor

[FlunkyNoMo]

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at
a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House")
a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not
limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed
by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief
that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus hereinafter ("Claus")
would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House,
were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats,
including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did
dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Another Attorneys night before Christmas
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred
to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the
party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma
had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties
were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon
the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said
House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause
and/or circumstance.

The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the
House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree
of wonder and/or disbelief,
a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the "Vehicle")
being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately
eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact
was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance
to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the
animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter the "Deer").
(Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional
co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences
located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the
Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of
unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission,
either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus
entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with
residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a
portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown
items.

He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in
blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of
the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys
and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute
"gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the
U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose
and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the
roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts."
Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus
from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state
and/or exclaim:

"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" or words to that effect.
Respectfully Submitted,


s./ The Grinch



Thanks to Paul Benoit

I found this on the internet, don't know who Paul is, but give him his credit due.

FNM

[FlunkyNoMo]

Law Suit Against Santa!
by David Bibb


The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was
bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil
rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that,
"Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and has
been putting that information in a vast database. The information
is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus' organization
to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is
obvious Mr. Claus has violated the children's rights, as we have
alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company
information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has
been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the
free expression of beliefs."

Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which
reads, in part:

You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.

He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you're awake,
He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness' sake.

Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, which was obtained from a worker in the
distribution department of Mr. Claus' organization, ". . . clearly shows
a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression
and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of
the information. What would be the result of such a database being made
available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?"

Lawyers at the Justice Department also confirmed today that they were
investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast
conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside Justice
stated, "We believe a large number of parent, ministers and teachers are
involved in this business and we expect several of them will testify for
the State in return for a lighter sentence." In addition, the same
sources indicated a parallel investigation by the Department and the FBI
on possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, "our records
do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else paying any import duties or taxes
on any items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all
of the States of the Union we believe he should have to pay state and
local taxes on all of the goods he delivers."

Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd. Mr.
Claus is a well known and highly respected figure. His supporters are from
around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no way, be
taken as a form of "mind control" or a violation of the civil rights of
children."

The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a resident of
the United States or any country which the United States currently has an
extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it
is believed he is hiding out at his north pole estate.

In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find the
charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the
courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department will
discover they have no basis."

Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending
charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this year.

(Posted with the permission of the author)

[FlunkyNoMo]

Okay enough already...just one more.....

A Lawyer's Christmas Greeting


Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive,
gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within
the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or
secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular
persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice
religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful,
personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of
the generally accepted calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for the
calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have
helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater
than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere),
and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious
faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is
subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no
alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to
actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void
where prohibited by law. It is also revocable at the sole discretion of the
wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of
good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent
holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement
of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

The wishee further agrees to hold harmless and indemnify the wisher, along with
its heirs, assigns, officers, directors, shareholders...


Here's the link these three came from:
http://people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16...christmas.html

FNM