Divorcing? Having problems post-divorce?

I recently posted this on another site. This may help those. I don't know, but certainly is worthwhile, ableit it is extremely long. For those that don't need the information, please copy and save it in your documents folder. Eventually, you will find someone that needs it, if you don't...

Eric

Original Author: Tom

WHY ARE YOU HERE?? This is not a silly question. You are
about to learn a whole new meaning of the
term,"rebuttable presumption," and why it applies
exclusively to you in Family Court.

Trust me, you're in for the fight of your life. If you're not
prepared, you can bet the other side will rebut you right out
of fatherhood and into poverty. Your children, with your
current and future finances, will be out of your life
forevermore.

Your goal therefore, demands a strong offense. This requires
dedication, support, "pro-active" planning, and
lots of research. In other words, PREPARATION IS EVERYTHING!!


The following list is neither conclusive nor is it
exhaustive. For that matter, not all of it will apply to you.
Nevertheless, its intent is to get you to think, ask hard
questions, and above all, to be prepared. Copy it. Print it.
NEVER let your STBX see it.

What ever you do, NEVER YOUR MARITAL RESIDENCE unless ordered
by the court!! If you do, your STBX is free to do unto you as
you are about to do unto her. It'll be a mistake that'll cost
you dearly.

If you're not THOROUGHLY prepared, the other side will find
your weakness and work you over. Their primary purpose is to
"soften you up" and get you to give up custody
WILLINGLY!! "THEY HAVE METHODS!!" They'll even
recruit your attorney and get you to sign documents you'll
later regret. If you're not prepared, and if you fail to
choose your attorney wisely, there'll be nothing left of you
when they're done.

If your STBX files first, she's already plotted her next 10
moves against you. This is not where you want to be. If she
files first, you can expect:

1) a restraining order that evicts you from your house and
prevents you from contacting your kids.

2) to pay temporary child support, temporary alimony,
community debt, and/or bills accumulated by your STBX during
these proceedings. This can be 1 to 3 years. You'll be
bankrupt well before trial.

3) to pay court costs and other fees, in addition to expenses
mentioned above: GAL; Custody/Child Evaluator; Psychological
evaluation; Your STBX's attorney fees.

EXPECT HER TO LIE. EXPECT THEM TO BELIEVE HER. EXPECT NO
FAIRNESS. EXPECT TO NEED MOUNTAINS OF EVIDENCE TO PROVE YOUR
CASE.

Their goal is to "bleed you dry" and beat you into
submission. You'll never see the last of their dirty tricks.
It behooves you therefore to be very prepared very early.

NEVER BE IN A POSITION WHERE YOU HAVE TO PLAY
"CATCH-UP."

If you've got "skeletons" in your closet, prepare
accordingly, ahead of time. Do likewise with your STBX's
skeletons. Gather all incriminating info while you can. Never
give her the opportunity to cover her tracks.

For starters, develop an EARLY GAME PLAN to win custody.
Execute your play according to YOUR timetable. Pick your
shots. Make them count. Timing is everything. Keep the other
side off balance. This is very important.

Lay out a trap-line for your STBX. Perpetually work on
setting her up for the fall. You know her weakness. Bait
her!! Give her every opportunity to make a mistake. Spring
your trap in front of the camera and in front of witnesses.
Document everything.

Everything must be documented in a WELL-WORDED journal. What
you write must be factual and correct. At trial, your journal
will be a valuable source of events, dates, and patterns of
behavior. Your journal should also contain surprises to keep
the other side off balance. Most
importantly, your journal will discredit fabricated testimony
and lies you can expect from the other side.

Along with your journal, gather supporting evidence with
photos and videos. Put a trace program on the computer and a
recorder on the phone. Don't be afraid to record phone calls.
Make it your business to know where your STBX goes in
cyber-space. Above all get witnesses, especially
professionals involved with your STBX & kids. You may
want to hire a PI. A visit to your local spy shop will be
very worth while. Think of it as an investment.

Your journal, together with supporting evidence, will help
you. More correctly, they will help your attorney. Remember,
your attorney is only as effective as the information you
give him. If he gets little from you, you can expect little
in return.

Type and/or otherwise arrange journal notes well in advance
of trial. Reserve plenty of time to review your journal with
your attorney. You must bond with your attorney, and he must
bond with you. Both of you must be "reading from the
same page" between now and trial. Be sure save your
original journal draft. You may need it.

YOUR JOURNAL IS THE TEMPLATE OF YOUR CASE!! Guard it
carefully. It contains secrets the other side would love to
have. Above all, BEWARE of so-called "neutral third
parties," like the GAL or Custody Evaluator. These thugs
are anything but neutral. They will specifically target their
report and/or testimony to discredit everything you've
written. To guard against subpoena, address each page to your
attorney. Remember, the primary purpose of your journal is to
rebut and/or otherwise discredit the lies and fabricated
testimony that'll come from the other side. THIS IS OF THE
UTMOST IMPORTANCE!!

Never sign anything the custody evaluator asks you to sign -
even if it's a scrap of paper that states you agree to XYZ
conditions. This is a trap. Anything you sign becomes a
bona-fide legal document that will be used against you in
court.

PLOTTING DATA (patterns of behavior) from your journal:

It's very important to have supporting evidence to back up
your documentation. Photos and witnesses are ideal. However,
you can't always count on people, nor can you count on having
a camera when you need one. Therefore, you must build your
case with what you have. YOUR JOURNAL!!

If done properly and consistantly, your journal becomes the
heart and soul of your case. It is filled with important
data. This data shows your STBX's pattern of behavior over
time. In other words, you can scientifically predict how your
STBX will behave based upon the data you've collected.
Remember, when plotting scientific data of any nature, you
can expect surprises. Remember, surprises are what keeps the
other side off balance.

Data from your journal can be plotted on a graph, a pie
chart, or bar chart. For comparison, it's a good idea to use
all of the above. You'll need Excel software.

Plotted data are much easier to intrepret, both for the judge
and your attorney. Plotted data show large blocks of evidence
at a glance; ie, parenting history/behavior. This helps rebut
the built-in bias of the system, and scientifically supports
your bid for custody.

Keep in mind, a single "judgement error" will NEVER
get the judge's attention. However, a "PATTERN" of
well-documented judgement errors, supported by evidence, will
make a difference.

Remember, neither the judge nor your attorney want to sift
through endless streams of relatively "meaningless"
journal data. Consider your audience. It's up to you to make
things as easy as possible for them both.

SET YOURSELF UP TO WIN!! Pay attention to detail. Follow
through on leads. Don't get side-tracked!! Use only what
works for you.

BECOME A "CHILD ADVOCATE."

1) Get involved with a network of parent educators.

2) Make time for play dates and/or parties. Invite
parent-chaperones who will observe you as a Superdad in fine
form. Make sure mothers are invited. Ideally, they should be
solidly married, above reproach, and will not be disparaged
for having an affair with you.

These are great sources for collateral witnesses.

2) Enroll yourself and/or your kids in
classes/counseling/treatment as necessary: Parenting classes;
Co-parenting classes; Anger managment; Couseling for kids
caught-in-the-middle; enroll in a Children's First program;
Alcohol/drug treatment. Read contemporary books and
literature
on the above subject matter. Take the initiative. Become
informed. Do whatever it takes. Don't wait 'til it's too
late.

3) The most important witnesses are court-appointed
professionals, so-called "neutral third parties."
They include; the home study evaluator, the forensic
evaluator, the custody evaluator, the psychologist, the play
therapist, and the GAL. Tread lightly with these people. They
are
anything but neutral. These thugs are "GOD" in
determining custody decisions. Keep in mind, the judge is
gonna rule whatever they recommend. They live by one
fundamental principle, "Dads be damned."

Whatever you do, NEVER agree to any form of binding
mediation. You'll be giving up all your rights to further
litigation. You'd just as well sell your soul to the Devil.

From the beginning, you must "attempt" get these
witnesses on your side. They are the "tie-breaker."
Truth be known, it's their job to insure the race isn't even
close, much less a "tie." Nevertheless, do your
best. Be sure to document everything.

a) It's their job to not like you.
b) It's their job to fabricate lies about you.
c) It's their job to soften you up and trick you into giving
up custody before trial.

Remember "rebuttable presumption?" Some state's
statutes declare both fathers and mothers have an equal right
to parent their children. In this phase, that right is
summarily taken from you. In other words, the game is rigged.
It should come as no surprise, gender discrimination is rife
within the Judicial Branch of Government.

With that in mind, you might consider hiring a private
custody evaluator. The idea is to bring conflicting
opinion/testimony with you to court. This is one sure way to
minimize a GAL's highly biased testimony/report.

Additionally, make sure to get documentation/history of any
violence, both physical and/or verbal/psychological. Is your
STBX any threat to herself, to you, to your kids, or to
anyone else? Evidence of this nature is critical to rebut an
already biased GAL report/testimony.

I've heard of ONE (1) favorable recommend from a GAL. This
dad was a school teacher. He was thoroughly professional and
very well connected. Additionally he graduated with
"honors" from parenting classes and had become a
state-certified foster parent. In other words, he had
credentials the rest of us don't have or can't get. The GAL
liked this dad because he was "one of them."

In family court, the average "Joe Six-Pack" has a
90% chance of losing. That's why your journal and witness
list are of the utmost importance.

Here's another example. Risky? Hell yes! But the results are
what counts.

Both Parties agreed, together with the judge, to allow the
final custody decision to be handled by a custody evaluator.
Dad's attorney was familiar with this evaluator and requested
that she hear testimony. Stbx's attorney also agreed with the
request.

The evaluator met with both attorneys prior to taking
testimony. She strongly advised that the Parties settle ahead
of time. (Note: This is why you never agree to binding
mediation.)

At this critical moment, Dad's attorney revealed the
existence of a detailed journal together with a substantial
body of evidence. He suggested the Parties walk away with
dignity and share custodybetween them. As a result, Dad's
STBX agreed to sharing both physical and legal custody
without the evaluator deciding for them.

Dad's guess is that his attorney had spooked his STBX in
prior courtroom encounters. She gave up without a fight,
certainly not because she wanted to. Of that, Dad is sure.

The lesson here is that Dad's attorney had taken the
initiative to thoroughly study the journal well in advance.
As a result, Dad's attorney was convinced that the journal
would tip the balance in an occasion such as this.

Thus: a detailed journal + a good attorney + strategy =
Victory

There was another dad that "bought" his STBX out.
He got the house, the kids, and everything for $70K. Still
another dad got out of paying alimony for a mere $11K. I
realize this sounds like a lot all at once. But over time,
it's a bargain. Remember, let your attorney handle the
negotiating process.

MOVING ON: Your WITNESS LIST must be exhaustive. Other than
court-appointed professionals, people that see you with your
children and/or otherwise know you personally are going to be
your best witnesses. Remember, not everyone will support you,
nor will they be available when you need them.

Potential witnesses include: Extended family; neighbors; day
care, school professionals; parent volunteers; medical
professionals; adult activity leaders.

"Cardinal Rule" No 1....... KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!
LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS!!

This is war. You must approach this as a top-secret military
operation.

1) Thou shalt not raise any suspicions. DO NOT TELEGRAPH YOUR
INTENTIONS.
a) Thou shalt not tell anyone what you're up to, ESPECIALLY
YOUR STBX.
b) Thou shalt not share information with anyone about
anything.
c) Thou shalt take care of business like nothing's going on.

2) Thou shalt not get side-tracked. This is "crunch
time." Manage your time wisely.

3) Thou shalt maintain thy Poker Face. Get prepared for the
long hall.

"Cardinal Rule" No 2....... NEVER LET YOUR GUARD
DOWN!! WATCH YOUR BACK!!

Have minimal contact with your STBX. NEVER be in a position
where she can allege domestic violence of any kind. It's best
not to be alone with her. Always have a witness with you.

1) Be very careful when you are alone with your STBX.
a) She can file false domestic violence charges "at
will," and have you thrown in jail.
b) She can get a restraining order "at will," and
have you kicked out of your house.

2) "Thou shalt ALWAYS bite the bullet." At the
same, "Thou shalt ALWAYS be bulding thy case."
a) Thou shalt not argue. Thou shalt not fight. Thou shalt not
provoke thy STBX.
b) Thou shalt go the extra mile to be civil. Thou shalt be Mr
Nice Guy.

3) Never engage in any form of business with your ex, no
matter how much the deal "appears" to be in your
favor. It will be a trap you'll regret 'til your dying day.
Remember, there ain't no free lunch. You can always expect a
pay-back down the road.

"Cardinal Rule" No 3....... BE THE BEST DAD YOU CAN
BE!! DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!!

1) Get involved with your kids as much as possible.
a) Assume the role of primary caretaker well in advance.
b) This'll set you up for primary, if not 50/50 shared
primary custody. This is your goal. Never lose sight of
that!!

2) Make everything you do in the best interest of your kids.
Always go the extra mile.

Give your STBX a day off every week. "That's OK, Honey.
I'll take care of this. Why don't you go shopping?" Take
advantage to document parenting time, and snoop around when
she's not home.

The following sites offer charts to document parenting time
and other relavent issues. Use them to help plan what you
need to do.

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/index.html
http://www.parentingtime.net/
http://www.childcustodycoach.com/

"Cardinal Rule" No 4....... GET CONNECTED!! STAY
INFORMED!!

1) Familiarize yourself with Family Laws, Administrative
Rules, and court procedures.
a) You must understand the court process and how the family
law system works.
b) It is your responsibility to know anything and everything
that applies to you.
c) Mastery of your state's Family Code will confer advantage
to you in the courtroom.

As a father, you have rights. However, the goal of the
judicial junta is to deny, and/or otherwise undermine those
rights; ie, "rebuttable presumption." You've gotta
be prepared.

2) Read books on winning custody. Read only those that work
for you.

3) Get connected with a dads support group. This helps you
stay focused. It's the most important thing you can do.
a) With networking, your proactive effort becomes leveraged
exponentially.
b) Whether you gather or share, information is the a
prequisite to constructive action.
c) Hang out with winners. When things heat up, you'll need
their support.
d) AVOID losers and "nay-sayers." They'll drag you
down.

4) BEWARE of your limitations. Find out what works for you
and what doesn't.

You'll never survive if you do this alone. As discussed
above, court-appointed professionals are not what they seem.
They are wolves in sheep's clothing. They have no conscience.


"Cardinal Rule" No 5....... HIRE THE BEST FATHER
FRIENDLY ATTORNEY YOU CAN FIND.

BEWARE OF WOLVES IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING. BEWARE of attorneys who
"claim" to know everything. They talk the talk, but
don't walk the walk. Remember, you want results, not a
compromise. Take your time. Shop around. Ask hard questions.
Make your choice carefully.

Your attorney's specialty should be representing fathers in
family court. HE MUST KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT. He should't expect
a large retainer. He should tell you his win/loss record as
well as your chances of winning. He should tell you his
billing policy. He should be well-connected. He should know
judges and court-appointed professionals; GAL's, custody
evaluators, psychologists, etc.

It's no secret. Attorneys are 99% of the problem. So......

1) Be prepared, well in advance, BEFORE you choose an
attorney. Know what to expect.
a) Above all, watch for "RED FLAGS."

2) Your attorney works for you. You must know ahead of time
what you want and stick to it.
a) Never allow your attorney to dissuade you from your
ultimate goal.
b) Never display "eager-to-deal."
c) Never allow your attorney to drag the process out
unnecessarily. For starters, get a trial date set ASAP. Don't
haggle over "little things." Stay focused. Keep the
pressure on.

Be prepared to tell your attorney everything, especially the
truth. Be prepared to follow his advice.

3) NEVER "assume" that your attorney will know
everything.
a) Most of your knowledge will come from your support
network; ie, experienced fathers who have tenacity and know
the ropes.

4) Never expect your attorney to do "everything."
a) Manage your case actively and personally.

5) If your attorney advises you to take the "high
road," find another one ASAP.
a) THIS IS WAR!! If you're gonna lose, go down fighting
dirty.

6) Find a para-legal who's father friendly, one who's
experienced with family law.
a) As you know, some nurses know more than doctors. The same
hold true for para-legals and attorneys.
b) Find one you can count on. This is an important Plan B
resource.

7) Speaking of Plan B, ALWAYS have a back-up for everything.
You never know when you'll need it.
a) If you have doubts, NEVER think twice about getting a
second opinion.
b) For that matter, never think twice about getting a
different attorney.

8) As things progress, assess your chances of winning; best
case versus worst case scenario. BE REALISTIC!!
a) If you you have a "reasonable" chance of
winning, then go for it, and go early.
b) If you have "serious" doubts about winning, then
settle early. Cut the best deal you can.

9) NEVER expect fairness from your STBX, much less fairness
from the Family Court system.
a) Realistically, your chances of winning are 3 in 100.
b) If your ex is a junkie, a < edited >, a 3-time
convicted felon, or any combination of the above, she'll win
custody 97% of the time. These numbers are realistic.

This gives you some idea of what you're up against. Remember,
you are at the mercy of Family Court thugs. The system is
designed to degrade you and to bankrupt you. They'll force
you spend your money any way they can. Like the
"dog" that you are, they have tactics that bring
you to "heel." THEY DON'T LIKE YOU!!

"Cardinal Rule" No 6....... NEVER GIVE, OR SIGN
ANYTHING TO YOUR STBX IN ADVANCE

You know your STBX better than anyone. You know what's
important to her. You also know her weakness. Between now and
trial, you will find that your STBX is "her own favorite
charity." Her greed will soon become evident. Learn to
exploit that to your advantage. For now, find out
what she wants.

At this stage, your STBX's "wants" are potential
bargaining chips that can be exchanged later for things of
importance to you, like property division/alimony.

Above all, never give her your children. They are not
bargaining chips!! They are non-negotiable!! This is not open
for discussion!! Stick to your guns!!

1) NEVER give, nor agree to give, anything to your STBX
unless:
a) the judge orders it.
b) you get something of significance in return.
c) you get it in writing.
d) you get it from your attorney.

Remember at this stage, ANY converstion, agreement, or
discussion MUST go through your attorney. No matter how much
you hurt, never let your STBX back into your comfort zone.

2) Keep a list of everything you give to your STBX. Use items
on that list as bargaining chips later on.

During the course of your marriage, giving freely to your
wife was second nature. You never thought twice about it.
Today however, she is something other than your
"wife." Nevertheless, she still expects this
"arrangement" of giving to continue. Worse yet,
court professionals
think this way too. You've gotta be careful.

For example, if you give her "this" today, tomorrow
she'll ask for "that." She'll nickle and dime you
for every "little thing," one piece at a time.
It'll never end. Before you know it, she'll have all your
"bargaining chips" and you'll have nothing. BEWARE
of this trap. You need to terminate this practice
immediately. There's a time for property division. That time
isn't
now. NEVER GIVE YOUR STBX ANYTHING!! Stick to your guns.

Remember, bargaining chips are very important. Individually,
they may seem insignificant. Collectively however, and when
"cashed in" at the right time, they WILL make a
difference. If a bargaining chip has value for her, then it
CERTAINLY has "value" for you. Never forget that.

Nevertheless, "IF" you must give her anything, make
her sign a receipt for it. Think if it as an
"advance" in property settlement. Be sure to list
the item's "replacement cost." That receipt is now
a bona-fide "document." Use it later as a
bargaining chip when you divide community property. When the
time is right, you can make her pay dearly for all those
"little
things" she took in advance.

"Cardinal Rule" No 7....... YOU FILE FIRST!! This
is of the utmost importance.

For starters, you are forever the plaintiff and she's the
defendant. That's a good thing. You get the opening shot. You
design the playing field. You've got the momentum.

1) The secret is:
a) do not relent.
b) Maintain the upper hand.
c) Set the rules of the game.

Remember, there's no guarantee that you'll prevail on every
issue. But it's much better than starting the game on her
terms.

2) A good lawyer is essential.

3) It's extremely important to you know want and that you are
in a position to direct the outcome.

HOWEVER, file ONLY when you've got a solid game plan, and
ONLY when you're ready. In other words, you pick the fight,
when and where, on your terms. You want "home court
advantage."

Surprise is everything. If you catch her off-guard, your STBX
will be playing "catch-up" 'til trial, and beyond.
THAT'S THE WHOLE IDEA!! If you're thoroughly prepared, and
follow-through on details, she'll never catch up.

Remember, if you get temporary custody at this stage, and if
you've done your homework, and if everything goes according
to plan, your chances for permanent custody are virtually
assured. All this of course, depends on your attorney, your
journal, the thoroughness of your strategy/game plan, and
your commitment to active case management. Meanwhile.....

Get complete information on your STBX and children: Full
names, aliases, maiden and nick names, other names used;
dates and places of birth/death; Social Security numbers;
Driver's License numbers; etc.

Get every document you can think of. Leave no stone unturned.
Some documents will be difficult, if not impossible to get.
If/when you get stuck, move on. Do your research well in
advance, BEFORE you separate. If you are thorough, you'll
reap huge dividends at trial.

Store ALL documents in a safe deposit box in your name only.
These include:

1) Tax returns for the last several years.
2) Marriage license; pre-nuptial agreement.
3) Documents from your STBX's previous marriage/divorce.
4) Birth/death certificates.
5) Passports, green cards, immigration documents.
6) DMV record(s); criminal history.
7) Thorough background check on your STBX. Hire a PI if
necessary.
School records; college/high school diploma(s);
transcript(s).
9) Medical and life insurance policies; will(s).
10) Deeds; titles; leases; contracts.
11) Bank statements; stocks, bonds and securities.
12) Retirement, pension, IRA, 401K, Keogh.
13) Credit report.
14) Family photos; heirlooms.
15) STASH YOUR CASH!!

Make sure you have passwords/access codes to ALL computers,
bank accounts, credit cards, etc. Try them out. Make sure
they work. Reset computer passwords with new software.

Get the following for your children:

1) Recent photos of your children, in clothes they typically
wear.
2) Documentation of their physical descriptions.
3) Social Security, Student Body, and State ID cards.
4) Medical history, related info, and documents.
5) Immunization records.
6) Health history and/or special needs.
7) History of behavioral issues.
History of prescription medication.

CONTACT INFO for STBX and children: friends; extended family;
service providers, doctors; school, counselors, day care; etc.
If your STBX runs off with your kids, you'll need to track
them down.

STBX's previous marriage and children:

1) Is she getting alimony and/or child support? How much?
Paid by who?
a) Can she get alimony re-instated from her previous ex?

2) What was the value of her property settlement? What did
she bring into your marriage?

3) Were any of her past debts serviced during the course of
your marriage?

Remember, issues like these can, and do make a difference in
property settlement. More importantly, this info might show
"bad faith" or "intent." In other words,
is your STBX is using marriage as a means of embezzlement or
early retirement? Are you her next target?

STBX's school & job info:

1) Level of education/continuing education.

2) Current level and duration of
employment/unemployment/underemployment/non-employment
status.
a) Salary history and benefits package.
b) Career path.
c) Job skills.
d) Anticipated raises and/or promotions.
e) Anticipated career/job change.

3) Document willingness, or lack thereof, to become employed,
better employed, or otherwise permanently self-sustaining.
a) You want to minimize potential alimony and child support
as much as possible.

INVENTORY:

Take inventory of everything you own. List the difference
between "cash value" and "replacement
cost." There is a difference!! Back-up your written
inventory with videos, pictures, and appraisals. Store
everything in a safe place.

COMMUNITY ASSETS: Are they greater than you think? Where did
it all go?

Before, or during your marriage, did your STBX set up any
form of "asset protection" where she is named
beneificiary? Remember, assets could be in her name or under
an alias. Perhaps a friend, a relative, a bank, or an
attorney has assets "buried" for your STBX under an
alias, or within a corporation? These are all good places to
hide marital assets:

1) Real estate.
2) Stocks, bonds.
3) LLC's, corporations, trusts.
4) Businesses; ventures. partnerships.
5) Off-shore holdings; bank accounts; investments.

WASTING MONEY:

During the course of your marriage, did your STBX, or did
your STBX force/insist that you:

1) Give/< edited > away monies, assets, or property of
any kind?
2) Did she waste money on herself? eg: college, clothes,
jewelery, or cosmetic surgury?
3) Did she spend money on an outside relationship?
4) Did she waste money on a home business?
5) Did she forge your signature on any checks or documents?
6) Did she waste money on failed drug/alcohol treatment?

Remember, issues like these make a difference in property
settlement.

ASSETS:

Make a thorough list of assets, equity, debt, monthly income,
and expenses. List everything, including names that appear on
each document. Don't forget student loans and day care. Your
list must include: current values; dates of acquisition and
purchase price; payment and income history (paid by/earned by
who?). Your list must be exhaustive!!

Note: Any debt acquired during your marriage is a community
debt. A student loan however, is more complicated. In
essence, you are taking an "asset" with you and
leaving a debt behind. If you anticipate paying child support
and/or alimony, you could argue the increased income is a
direct result of this asset. It is therefore simultaneously
captured thru the debt, ie; your greater income potential
would not be possible without the accompanying debt.
Obviously, the other side will argue for higher support and
leave you with your mountain of student loan debt
at the same time. In other words, they want it both ways.
Chances are,the judge will agree.

Real estate: Purchase price; equity; down payment; mortgage
balance; monthly payment; maintenance; improvements; etc. Get
your house appraised. Apply for refinancing. The numbers won't
be equal. Such differences can be significant in property
settlement.

Also include: Vehicles; boats; RV's; condo time shares;
business/partnership interests/equity; credit cards; stocks
& bonds; bank and investment accounts; jewelry and other
items of value; etc.

Don't forget: Debts; gifts; inheritance; any type of
"windfall;" lottery winnings; etc.

Meanwhile, STAY FOCUSED FROM THE BEGINNING.

1) DIG IN AND FIGHT DIRTY. THIS IS WAR!! THERE ARE NO RULES!!

a) If you take the "high road," you will lose.
b) If you compromise, you will lose.

2) Once you file, keep the heat on. NEVER let up on your
STBX.
a) It's up to you to maintain momentum and keep pressure on
your STBX "CONTINUALLY." Your attorney can't
possibly do this for you. This is your fight, and yours
alone.

3) Filing first sets the tone for the entire process.
a) The chances of winning or losing depends
"SIGNIFICANTLY" upon who files first.
b) Filing first gives you distinct advantage. You control the
high ground.
c) NEVER compromise your position nor your advantage.

4) As D-Day approaches:
a) Entice your STBX to voluntarily leave, WITHOUT THE KIDS.
Bribe her if necessary.
b) While she's gone, clean out the house, take the kids, and
file your court documents.

5) The moment D-Day arrives, you become "THE
TERMINATOR."
a) You instantly change from Dr Jeckyl to Mr Hyde. No more Mr
Nice Guy.
b) NEVER show mercy. Take no prisoners.
c) This is war!! NEVER LOOK BACK!!

6) File your family court documents with the court clerk. Be
sure the clerk date-stamps your documents. Then:

7) Go immediately to ex parte.
a) Get a temporary restraining order against your STBX.
b) Get temporary orders for "exclusive occupancy"
of your house. That means your STBX gets gets evicted from
your marital residence.
c) Get orders granting you temporary sole custody of your
kids. Say she is unfit and a risk to the kids due to
___________ (you think of something).
d) Get temporary orders for supervised visitation.
e) Get orders for temporary child support and temporary
alimony.

8) Give copies of your restraining order to the school,
daycare, your employer, etc.
a) Notify anyone involved with your kids that you have a
restraining order against your STBX.

9) Change all locks and alarm codes on your house and car.
a) Change passwords on everything, especially on bank and
credit/debit cards. Deny your STBX access to any form of
money.

10) Get a vicious dog that barks at your STBX.
a) That'll keep her from snooping around when you're not
home.
b) Reward him to reinforce that behavior.

11) Get a new, unpublished phone number. Route all mail to a
new PO Box.

12) Have your STBX's mail stopped.
a) Return her unopened mail to sender.

13) Remove your STBX's name from your health, life, vision,
and life insurance policies.

14) Remove your STBX's name as beneficary from your
retirement accounts.
a) Remove your STBX's name as beneficary from your will.

15) Inform companies with whom you do business that you want
new passwords on your accounts; insurance, bank, etc.
Instruct them that passwords must be used before releasing
information or changing anything.

16) REMOVE ALL cash from joint accounts.
a) Close all joint credit card accounts.
b) If any accounts are in your name, but where she is
authorized, cancel her.

17) Remove your name from the title and insurance for any car
your STBX drives.
a) Remove her name from the title and insurance for any car
you drive.
b) NEVER ALLOW your STBX to drive any car that is in your
name.
c) NEVER be responsible for your STBX's driving behavior.
From now on, she's a liability.

1 NEVER OFFER your STBX her clothes and/or personal
necessities. Wait 'til she asks.
a) Make her sign a receipt for anything she takes. NO
EXCEPTIONS!!
b) Store her personal belongings in boxes. Set them on the
sidewalk where she can pick them up and leave immediately.
More importantly, she'll have no reason to roam through your
house.

c) Release her belongings ONLY if she signs a receipt, and
ONLY if she has a police escort.

19) File charges and PROSECUTE your STBX for any domestic
violence. DO NOT DROP any charges.

20) Inform your employer that you want your calls screened.
a) If your STBX calls, call the police and file a restraining
order violation. DON'T EVEN THINK TWICE!!
b) Use your employer's receptionist is a witness.

Do all of the above. Leave no stone unturned. These measures
set the tone 'til trial. Cut off your STBX's money and
resourses early in the game. Do anything and everything that
hinders her bid for custody. THIS IS WAR!! NEVER LOOK BACK!!

MEANWHILE: Focus on the basics. Fine-tune your game plan.
Work on strategy. Keep it simple.

Don't forget, ALWAYS HAVE A CONTINGENCY PLAN for everything
(Plan B)

Get your financial house in order. Clean out/close out
everything, especially joint accounts. Take
"convenience" out of purchasing. This includes
credit cards, on-line purchasing, and other
"lines-of-credit" you've established over time.
This vicious cycle must be broken.

Except for essentials, don't buy anything. If you must buy,
pay with cash. Pay all bills the old-fashioned way. Write a
check and drop it in the mail. Keep a record of bills that
get paid.

"IN YOUR NAME ONLY" - Route all mail to a new PO
Box. Get a new cell phone. Keep it secure. Use it for
"IMPORTANT" business only. Open savings and
checking accounts at a different bank. Get a new safe deposit
box to store cash, valuables, and documents. Open new Visa
& Mastercard accounts. Use them only for
"EMERGENCIES." Get a line of credit as large as you
can. Rent a storage locker to stash large items of value.
Remember your inventory? Manage it closely. Get new passwords
for everything, including credit cards, PC, & ATM.

STASH YOUR CASH in your new safe deposit box. Another option
is to open a "secured" Visa/Mastercard account. The
bank takes $XXXX.00 from one account deposits it in an
interest-drawing "trust." Meanwhile, use the credit
card as usual up to the secured dollar amount. You can deposit
additional funds as they become available. This/these
transaction(s)
don't "appear" on bank or credit card statements.
There's just less cash in your account.

MOVING ON - Convert what you can to cash. Think,
"D-O-W-N-S-I-Z-E." Sell everything. Pay bills and
reduce debt as much as possible. Save all receipts and bills
of sale. You may need to account for everything later.

THIS MEANS: Cancel subscriptions and non-essential services.
Cash in stocks and bonds. Sell the Lexus, the Suburban, the
RV, and the boat. Sell your time shares for the condo,
jewelery, china, and silverware. Include anything and
everything you can think of. That means "boy's
toys" too. You're not gonna have time for them once the
proceeding begins.

Before selling your house, convert your equity into cash by
refinancing. You're gonna need it. Remember, there's no
guarantee that a sale will occur any time soon. For that
matter, there's no guarantee you'll get your asking price.
Furthermore, with commissions, taxes, fix-up and
misc expenses, your equity could dwindle to something far
less than you expected. It's best to cash out while you can.

The idea is to liquidate what you can ahead of time, while
you have time. You won't have that luxury later. The time to
sell is BEFORE you really have to. If you wait 'til the last
minute, you'll be selling at a deep discount.

Keep plenty of cash on hand so there's no paper trail. You'll
need this for "emergencies." For starters, earmark
$10K for attorney fees and court expenses. Expect to need
more later.

YOUR JOB:

Now is a great time to consider career options. They may be
offered at work, or you may have to be creative: early
retirement; continuing education; sabbatical; voluntarily
lay-off/termination. Collect unemployment, severance package,
restructure your career path. Do anything to minimize gross
pay and maximize time spent getting prepared.

Postpone raises and promotions (if possible). Get your
employer to tuck away a percentage of your salary where it
can't be touched. Think, "asset protection." The
idea is to minimize child support and alimony payments. You
can return to your career path when this is over.

You may want to cash out your retirement/401K. Your STBX is
gonna get half. You may as well get the other half. Your
"rainy day" is here.

I know this sounds like a lot. It is. There's a lot at stake.
Remember, the war starts the moment you file. Once you file,
all hell's gonna break loose. You'll barely have time to keep
up with details that follow, much less play
"catch-up" or track down any of the above.

Rule of thumb = Preparation means everything

LOCK AND LOAD!! NEVER GIVE UP!! NEVER LOOK BACK!!

Although I consider my knowledge of family court to be
extensive, I could never have compiled such a vast body of
information alone.

My primary purpose in writing The List was to compile a
"scattered" body of information into a single
composition, something with a "voice," something
that would make "perfect sense" to a battered
population of fathers in the throes of divorce. I wanted
fathers caught in a hopeless situation to have hope.

Secondly, I wanted to provide "tools" whereby
fathers could actively manager their case. Such information
is either hidden or deliberately made unavailable to fathers
who are crippled by a gender abusive system.

Third, I wanted to expose gender bias, the true terror of
every family court setting. Indeed, until the evil of this
judicial junta is exposed, nothing will change.

The List is nothing more than a "rough draft."
Nevertheless, The List in it's current state is well worth
sharing. I believe if The List helps even one father, my
efforts will have been worth while. In reality, I have
received resounding acclimation from many who visit
dadsdivorce. In other words, The List is a hands-on guide
that works.

Having said that, I'll say this. If divorce is in your
future, you're about to discover how/why "rebuttable
presumption" applies exclusively to you. Truth is,
you're facing a gender-biased system like no other. Unless
you settle out of court, you'd just as well give your STBX
everything she wants and save yourself a lot of time,
trouble, and money. If you’re a contender however, it
behooves you to be attentive to what follows. It'll make a
world of difference both now, and at trial.

It goes without saying, divorce is for keeps. Either you
fight to the death or else lose everything. Those are the
choices. Remember, once the decree is signed, each term and
condition is set in stone. Regardless of what others tell
you, there’s no second chance. That's why it's imperative to
get a good start. Hopefully, that good start will result in a
good finish.

The List provides hands-on strategies for winning. Without
it, your chances of winning are slim to none. At the very
least, you'll come out a helluva lot better than had you not
applied The List at all.

The List is based upon personal experience combined with
experiences of others who've been thru Family Court. The
information provided is based upon what works, what really
works, and what’ll set you up to win. Conversely, The List
also tells what doesn’t work, what really doesn’t work, and
what is certain to set you up for failure.

Those of us from pre-internet days will recall an era when
fathers were at the mercy of attorneys and the Family Court
system. For those of us who dared, pro se became the option
of necessity.

The system today however, is very well-entrenched, more so
than ever. But with the advent of internet, today’s fathers
can get the kind of help we couldn’t have imagined.

Granted, there are web sites that claim to offer help.
Tragically however, few provide useful knowledge for fathers
in trouble. If you’re looking for fluff, you won’t find it
here. The information contained in The List is useable. More
importantly, it’s doable.

No attorney will provide The List's information for you. In
fact, he may dissuade you from considering any of the
following. Regardless, your only chance of winning is by
applying The List's principles to your situation. This is
your job, and yours alone. With stakes this high, you'd be
foolish to ignore The List’s content or allow anyone to
perform these tasks for you.

If you're a dad facing a contested divorce, your only
priority is to fight with everything you can muster. It’s
gotta be all or nothing!! Other priorities from henceforth no
longer exist. BE FOREWARNED!! This is the most important war
you'll ever wage. Your opponent is formidable. Indeed, family
Court is more than your worst nightmare. It's hell on earth.

For starters, you must understand only one thing. The Family
Court system is dominated, controlled, and otherwise
regulated by man-eating feminists. They are part and parcel
of a gender-biased branch of government that wields at-will
discriminatory authority. As you will discover, they are
contemporary social engineers of the highest order. Their job
is to fabricate lies, put a spin on truth, and separate you
from your children. Except for mother's benefit, state
statutes have zero relevance. Unless you're thoroughly
prepared, the judge will order whatever they want. This isn't
the Twilight Zone. This is Family Court!!

Having said that, I'll say this. If you play Mr Congeniality
or fail to prepare, the other side will rebut you out of
fatherhood and into poverty. This is my only guarantee. Other
than that, there are no guarantees.

By definition, the other side is everybody but you.
Generally, this applies to your STBX. However, it also
applies to the judicial junta that supports her. This junta
is staffed with little Hitlers. They’re gangsters and you're
trespassing on their turf. They use a tag-team strategy like
no other. Their collective goal is to encircle you and compel
you to submit to their outrageous terms. Faultless parenting
on your part means nothing to these thugs. Your one
alternative is preparation. Indeed, is preparation is the
only thing!!

If you're not thoroughly prepared, they'll establish
psychological advantage early in the first quarter. They’ll
have you dancing to their tune. They’ll have you trapped in
their hall of smoke and mirrors. They'll surprise you at
every turn. They'll maintain a full-court-press and force you
to submit to less-than-favorable terms.

This is not where you want to be. If it is, your children
will be out of your life forevermore. When all is said and
done, your role as a father will be reduced to that of
"visitor." For all intents and purposes, your
parental rights will be terminated. This is no lie. I speak
from first-hand experience.

With that in mind, it is absolutely essential to build a
strong case early in the game. This is no time for
compromise. It must be all or nothing. This requires 100%
effort: dedication; networking; (pro)active planning;
(pro)active case management; endless research. Preparation is
everything!! Failing to prepare is preparing to fail. I trust
we are clear thus far.

Finally, The List is no mere body of suggestions.
Additionally, it's neither conclusive nor exhaustive.
Instead, treat it as a manual of do's and don’t's. Although
this sounds like an oxymoron, Family Court is an oxymoron all
its own. It's a venue where things are not as they seem. Its
purpose is to deceive you at every turn. That's why you must
be prepared and stay on your toes. None of this is rocket
science. However, it does take some getting used to.

The important thing is to follow The List in principle. Its
purpose is to empower you with a mindset for victory. It's a
guide that'll help you think, ask hard questions, and be
prepared. Your job is to decide what works and what doesn't.
When you discover something that works, it's imperative that
you use it to your advantage. In other words, use The List as
a guide to build a list of your own.

The List's most important theme however, is that you stay on
your toes, watch your back, and never give up. Moreover,
never trust your STBX or anyone associated with Family Court.
Your job is to perpetually anticipate other side’s next move
and prepare accordingly.

At the onset, your most critical strategy is to create
opportunities out of virtually nothing and leverage them into
something significant, namely advantage. The idea is to
compound opportunity upon opportunity. As new opportunities
are generated, your advantage becomes exponentially
leveraged. The trick however, is to maintain that advantage,
thereby forcing your STBX to perpetually play catch-up.
Ideally, she should never catch up. If she can’t catch up,
she has no time to prepare for court. If she’s not prepared,
your chances of winning are enhanced significantly. This is
the recipe for your quest to victory. I trust we are clear
thus far.

Tom Kirkpatrick
Author of The List

The "list" below was a spur of the moment list that I made up when someone asked "what would you have done different?" This "original list" is extremely "radical." Most of the items listed are things that were done to me.

This original list was copied and pasted all over cyber space when the "news groups" and BBS were the mainstay of the internet for discussions (if they are still not).

Tom's "List" is basically a complilation of what this list is (leaving out "questionable" things) plus what could be found on my website authored by many other individuals, his own thoughts and what he found in other place. Tom has a good way of "phrasing things." Me? I just tell it how it is... ;)

Eric

First, above all, remember this: The criminal and civil judicial system is designed to bankrupt "offenders" so that they can not defend themselves. Period. As in period.

1.) Get a very, very, very large safe deposit box. Maybe, 2 or 3. All in different names (no I.D. required for this).
2.) Place as much cash, securities, stocks, bonds and etc. I could in them.
3.) Place as many family heirlooms, pictures, videos and etc. I could in them.
4.) Put all jewelry and other valuables in it.
5.) I would not be fair. Whatever I could of value or potential value personal or real, would go into the safe deposit box even, if, considered "hers."
6.) Get a private mail box.
7.) Have all mail sent to it.
8.) Stop making payments on everything. (Takes 3-6 months before things start to get going besides threatening letters.)
9.) Cancel, cut up all joint credit cards.
10.) Cancel her credit cards and cut up the ones not in her purse or the ones that are and she never uses.
11.) Document, document, document everything no matter how minute. Did I say to document? If I didn't, do document everything...
12.) Get an expensive attorney (assuming that expensive equates to the best). Will be less money in the long run.
13.) Tell attorney that you fear for your life and the safety of your children because of: xyz. There MUST BE an element of truth. Did she ever have a drink in her life? Well, then she is a boozer. Did she ever drive tired with the kids in the car? Did she ever hit or yell at the kids or you? Well, then she is either a physical abuser or mental abuser or both. I am sure you can think of something...
14.) Get her kicked out of the house with a restraining order based upon your above fears. Make sure you get inital custody of the children with no visitation without court supervision via that restraining order...
15.) Move out of state with the children while in your custody. Otherwise, will probably end up in her custody.
16.) Do your best to avoid detection and get jurisdiction in that new, far away state that is more male friendly.
17.) Fight, fight and fight some more. Better to be poor and have your children than poor and not to have your children. ALWAYS.
18.) Liquidate as many non-essential assets as possible and give the money to the attorney for his fees. Do this now and not when you need the money.
19.) Don't be afraid to lie. Both parties are EXPECTED to lie. Just have a credence of truth in each lie...
20.) At some point video tape every item in the home. Do a walk through of home.
21.) If you can get a in line tape recorder on your phone, do it. Much information can be learned to help your cause even if it wouldnt be admisible, and it may be admisible.
Above items not listed in order of occurence.

Secondly remember this: WHOEVER has INITIAL custody of the children, home and assets gets the biggest piece of the pie over the long run. So, be first to instigate EVERYTHING.

Thirdly, remember this: You don't have a chance in hell but, this will give you a little more precious time with your children... But, SHE will have to have a strong desire to get custody so, give her hell... Cuz, she is going to, to you...

Good luck